• 1 tbsp ground flax seeds
• 3 tbsp cold water
• 3/4 cup dried shredded coconut (processed to a powder)
• 1/4 cup whole gluten-free oats (processed to a powder)
• 1/2 Tbsp Stevia
• 1/4 cup cocoa powder
• 1/4 tsp baking powder
• 1/8 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp sea salt
• 1/2 cup almond butter
• 1/4 cup maple syrup
• 1/4 cup Almond milk or coconut milk
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup dark chocolate (chopped coarsely)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375F and line a baking sheet with parchment or a non-stick mat.

2. In a small bowl, mix together the ground flax and water. Set aside.

3. In a large bowl, whisk together the dry ingredients (coconut powder, oat powder, Stevia, cocoa powder, baking powder, baking soda, salt).

4. In a medium sized bowl, mix together the wet ingredients (flax egg, almond butter, almond milk, vanilla).

5. Add wet to dry and mix well until combined. Fold in the chocolate chunks.

6. Spoon the dough onto the baking sheet.

7. Bake for 10 minutes at 375F. Cool on baking sheet for about 10 minutes. Makes about 12-14 cookies depending on how large you make them.

It is for that reason and because of the nature of my friend’s primary cancer that I’m telling you this. She had cervical cancer – something that could possibly have been avoided, or at least caught earlier. Unfortunately, some years ago, some not so bright individual (or individuals) recommended that women should only get their Pap testing done every two to three years, as opposed to every year as it used to be. My friend was told that because she did not have a current partner, she didn’t need hers. She had waited about a year and a half before symptoms started to show up.

What many women don’t realize is that despite the two year recommendation, it does not have to be that way. Getting annual Pap tests is as simple as just calling in and getting it booked (as I did this morning, despite it only being 13 months since my last one). But that is the key – in most cases these days, you have to call your doctor. So please, if you are overdue for your test, please call this week, get it booked and get it done! Talk to your aunts, mothers, sisters, daughters, cousins, friends and tell them to get it done! I do not want to see another one of my loved ones go through what I witnessed today. Despite what some physicians are telling their patients even now, you are unfortunately never too young to have a cancer, and it is becoming more and more apparent.

Too many women let this slide. Please make sure you stay on track… and while you’re at it – make sure you keep feeling your boobies too!

The day before what was to become my postponed second round of chemotherapy, my beautiful, intelligent and creative friend Tori sent me a text message informing me to check my email at noon the next day for a surprise. Of course I wanted to know immediately what kind of mischief she’d been up to that would require a time sensitive check-in of the old inbox, but she wasn’t about to let this one slip. So, I waited impatiently like a kid on Christmas Eve for the next day to roll in. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it), I am no longer a kid, and time ticks by all too quickly these days, so I really didn’t have to wait too long at all.

When I think back on my friendship with Tori and the period during which we lived together as university roommates, it seems that there was always music playing. We were either dancing away to Louis Prima in the kitchen or belting our lungs out to the Practical Magic soundtrack in my talking car. So, when I curiously checked my email around noon the next day, after she had mentioned I make some room on my iPod, I quickly figured out that she had made me a music mix. However, I was soon to find out that this was not just any old music mix. After downloading the mix to my laptop, I hit the play button and was instantly taken back a good 15 years or so. Coming at me from those tiny speakers was the take-no-prisoners, raucous voice of my close friend Steph, and before I knew it, the tears started to flow. Tori had somehow coordinated my friends and family to call her and leave me a message along with their personal song request for me. She then mashed all of the messages and songs together in one outstanding mix. I was completely floored! As soon as the tears had dried from one song, I’d hear another powerful, loving voice and the waterworks were back in full force. All in all, I was crying for a good half hour.

With every gift, every message and every visit I receive, I feel more and more blessed. Despite all of its faults, cancer has done this one thing for me. It has shown me just how loved a person can be, and just how much love you can give back in response.

Whether scripted or not, hiccups and glitches included, the words spoken by these beautiful people mean more to me than they will ever be able to imagine. They give me strength and hope and a tremendously growing belief in myself every day. This mix has rekindled my love of music and it just plain makes me happy! I wish that everyone who has to face this blasted challenge could have the loving support that I have, but I know that this is not the case. So, with their permission, I’ve decided to share my mix and some of the messages that were included, just on the off chance that it might help someone else fighting the cancer fight out there. Enjoy!

Steph
Beat It – Michael Jackson

“If there has ever been a time to strap on your boots, put on your game face and show up to play, it’s now… As always, you have your team with you, and I want 100%! And when you’re down, we’ll pick you back up and kick the a$$ out of whatever knocked you down!… Take care you, and I’m always here if you need me.”

Paula
40 Dogs – Bob Schneider

“…I was trying to decide on an old rugby song from back in the day, but the ones I kept thinking of that reminded me of you didn’t really work; because, My Heart Will Go On is really depressing… and One Headlight kind of sounds like a boob joke. So, while I was trying to think of a good song, one of my favorite ones from right now came on… and I know it’s supposed to be a romantic boy girl kind of song, but when I was listening to the words it actually just reminded me of all of us, all of us girls. There’s a part in it about sticking up for each other and then there’s another part about crazy nights and things like that. I hope you like it. I miss you, I hope you’re doing okay… love you lots… ”

Karo
Summertime – Angelique Kidjo

“… you are like a sister to me and I love you dearly and think about you all the time and all the things that you have inspired me to do in my life and because you don’t often meet someone so talented and driven and capable of doing so many things. So, you are one of my main teachers in life and I’m so thankful for that…we love you and you are in our hearts and we are going to fight alongside you…”

Karen
- Morcheeba

“… I wanted  you to know that not only are you so loving and so beautiful, but you are so wise too. And when you said ‘I have given them my attention and now they mean nothing to me’… oh, so deep. Thank you… that is my personal mantra… ”

Pam
No Diggity – Blackstreet

“Just letting you know that we’re all thinking of you. Remember, you’re not alone in this one. You’ve got a mighty good group of girls behind you, so stay strong, go hard, we’ve got your back. Look left, look right, we’re there with you. Take care, and keep your head up. If you can’t keep your head up, we’ll lift it up for you damnit!… ”

Trish
Stand – REM

“I’m just sending you all my love and best wishes… You might remember ages ago, back in high school, you gave me an REM album which I still listen to surprisingly often, so I’m going to request for you Stand, which is one of those songs that for some reason I never grow tired of listening to. So, enjoy and I’m sending you all the best. Love you.”

Netti
With A Little Help From My Friends – Joe Cocker

Katherine
You Sexy Thing – Hot Chocolate

“… I just wanted to let you know again what an amazing person you are and how inspiring  you are to me. I think you have an amazing attitude and just keep taking this one day at a time and keep kicking ass! So, the song that I picked out for you is just something to keep it fun. I picked it because I do believe in miracles and I want to remind you that no matter what curve balls get thrown your way, you are, and will continue to be one sexy thing.”

Lesia
Video – India Arie

“I just wanted to let you know that you’re such an amazing person. When I first met you, you terrified me, and that is rare. I think that is just a reflection actually of what a cool person you are. In addition to that, you’re one of the strongest and most inspiring people I have ever met in my entire life and I just want you to know that I look up to you and if I could be a tenth as amazing as you are I would be the happiest person in the world. In fact, I’m already the happiest person in the world knowing you. I love you, huge hugs, and every time I see you it makes me smile. Love you, bye!”

Deanna
Ice Cream – Sarah McLachlan

“… I’ve just been thinking about you a lot, and I have been up in the mountains again, soloing peaks in Rogers Pass and trying to send good wishes your way. You’ve been on my mind since I’ve been up in the high peaks all summer long. I just want to send you as much love and positive energy as I can. Love you like a little sister”

Tori
Closer to Fine – Indigo Girls

“Hi Zurianna, it’s Torianna; and yes, we all do love you like ice cream. I’m sure that you also know what song I’m going to be pluggin’ in right after this. When I think about it, it’s you and me, in a car, and we are driving down the hill and there is an incredible blue sky in front of us, and the whole world at our feet, and before us… This song is playing very loudly and we are both singing along and beaming. Beaming, beaming, beaming! Because we are so excited about all of the things that are about to happen. And lots has happened, as you know, good things and bad things and more good things and sad things and challenges; and you’re in one of those times now and I know though that you will be fine. That you will be more than fine… I want you to feel that sense of hope and optimism and like everything is possible and the world is still at your feet. Love you.”

Taleen, Stefan & Christy
Tubthumping (I Get Knocked Down) – Chumbawamba

(Christy) “More than anybody else I know, every time you get knocked down, you get back up. You were always the one on the field who impressed me by makin’ the hard hits, gettin’ up and carryin’ on. You were always an inspiration for all of us. Wishing you the best – I know you’re gonna rock it.”

(Taleen & Stefan) “We send you lots and lots and lots of love, and we’re amazed by your strength. Wish you all the best Zuri, and I know, I know that this is going to be taken care of for you and you will take care of anything that’s left over. You are a motivation on this one and I owe you big for the things that you’ve done for me and I hope I can do the same for you. Love you.”

Bilal
Saturday – De La Soul

Here are a few other song requests that didn’t make it onto the mix:

Don’t Blink – Kenny Chesney
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay – Otis Redding
Fat Bottomed Girls – Queen
I Am Not My Hair – India Arie ft. Akon
Just Stand Up! – Mariah Carey, Beyoncé, Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Fergie, Natasha Bedingfield, Miley Cyrus, Leona Lewis, Carrie Underwood, Keyshia Cole, Ashanti, Ciara, and Nicole Scherzinger

In rugby there is something called a yellow card. The yellow card is used to penalize a player who has been warned or cautioned one too many times for dangerous or illegal play. The referee will fiercely blow their whistle and point directly at the offending player. They will call the player over, then pull the dreaded yellow card out of their pocket while still point a shaming finger at the guilty player. This player will then be sent to the sin bin (in the end zone), where they will watch their team continue to play one player short.

In my opinion, there are two types of players who get yellow cards; those who just make it their goal to make the opposition’s life completely miserable, and those who become so passionately involved in the game that they forget for a moment to play smart. I received two yellow cards over the ten or so years that I played rugby, and I would like to think that I fell into the latter category.

Now, in my current fight, it would seem that I have received another yellow card. I took on this game with a vengeance, accepting a very aggressive form of chemotherapy as part of my strategy. Up until yesterday, the game was going pretty smoothly. I had scored a few tries on cancer, made a few preemptive strikes and was counterattacking like mad with a mighty team at my back. Unfortunately, my first round of chemo has landed me in the sin bin if you will.

On Monday, when I went in for my scheduled blood work, my neutrophil count was too low. Neutrophils are the most abundant type of white blood cells and one of the first responders when the body is faced with inflammation (primarily due to infection). So, I had to go in for repeat blood work yesterday, an hour prior to when I was supposed to go in for round two of chemo. Although my neutrophil count had risen slightly (from 0.4 to 0.6), it still wasn’t nearly enough. The normal range is 1.5 – 8, and prior to receiving chemo they’d like you to be at 1.5 at least.

So, what does all this mean? According to my oncologist, it means I’m a very sensitive girl. No kidding. No, but seriously, it means that we wait a week for my neutrophil count to go up to a satisfactory level. I’ll get tested again next week, and if the level is still too low, then I will need to take another drug (Neupogen) to boost the neutrophils quickly and then carry on with chemo. I will then need to take the Neupogen with every round that follows. One delay is acceptable, but only one. For those that might be interested to know, Neupogen is not covered by standard health care in our province, and it is not cheap. We’re talking thousands of dollars a shot.

I asked the nurse a few times if there was anything, anything I could do to boost those levels on my own, and each time she assured me that there wasn’t. Being a fairly pro-active person, I found this extremely frustrating; to the point that I was in tears and felt the overpowering urge to start hitting walls. I do not like the “nothing I can do but wait” option, so needless to say, I am not fully convinced. However, I have been warned multiple times against seeking out so-called immune boosters from health food stores, as these “magic” concoctions can actually hinder chemotherapy.

So, what’s a girl to do? Well, let’s just say I spent the first minute in the sin bin kicking the dirt, hanging my head in shame and sulking like a toddler. Now, as the game carries on, I’ve realized that I’m still in the sin bin, my team will keep fighting and my best option is to get focused and psych myself up for when the referee (call him Dr. O.) lets me back onto the pitch. And let me tell you, when he does, I’ll be fired up, raring to go and ready to make my first big hit! So look out cancer – I have your number and I’m coming for you!

However, it’s a slow process. As I look in the mirror, I still see a scarred, empty space where once there was a part of me that went from embarrassing the 11 year old me to nourishing my first child 22 years later. I see more scars where foreign objects lie in order to consume chemicals to fight this ugly thing. But now, more than anything, I see my head, in its entirety, for the very first time in my life. Over the course of a few days, as my scalp became tender and I noticed more and more strands appearing on the floor of the bathtub, I made the decision. My hair had to go. Building up the courage to get rid of the one thing I really liked about myself was no easy task. I have never, ever been without hair I was born with a full head of curly black hair…

Never in my life have I had it shorter than this:

So, without question or doubt, my amazing husband gently shaved away what remained of the one thing I was really able to love about the physical me; and though it was expected, it is still quite shocking for me to see myself so… bald.

Despite giving me some clarity, cancer is still a downright jerk, and in the heavyweight championship of me vs. cancer, cancer has really taken some cheap shots. Although it is only hair, and it will grow back, hair loss from chemotherapy or radiation is like a swift punch in the kidneys when you turn around to wave a victorious hand at the crowd after a seemingly knock-out worthy uppercut to your opponent. The loss of one’s hair is like being branded by cancer. It’s that sign of illness that even if you are feeling perfectly, wonderfully good, will still make you feel “different” from everyone else. As if somehow you don’t quite belong here.

Even so, I am managing to see past that. Every morning when I first look into the mirror, I do a bit of a double-take. Yet, what is more shocking to me are the feelings that ensue. As it turns out, I am not disgusted by my bald head. Instead, I am increasingly in awe of how it reveals my face, forcing me to see exactly what is there. The shape of my face, the different bumps, rolls and curves of my head, the happiness in my eyes. I feel as if I am seeing myself for the first time, and what I’m seeing, dare I believe it, is something akin to beauty. And although cancer is one very unwelcome, cheap shot meanie, I am so grateful to finally have the ability to start seeing myself as perhaps I should have so long ago.